Waiting For My Missionary

Well, ladies, I have a lot to report. As you can see, it has been over a month since I last wrote and things have been CRAZY!

Where to begin?

Soon after school started, I was asked to be the Relief Society President of the Young Single Adult branch that I attend. I was officially set apart and sustained on the Sunday before General Conference.

Two days before I was set apart (Friday), I was in a major car accident and totalled my car - but everyone was alright. Seriously, miracles really do happen every day!

General Conference was amazing!

School has been crazy because I've been observing at an elementary school half an hour away six hours a week in addition to my normal coursework.

Those things are all interesting, but I want to share with you something even MORE interesting (or at least relevant to all of you). In the past couple of weeks, ever since General Conference weekend, missionaries have been EVERYWHERE! Seriously! I have had so many opportunities to interact with the Elders... it has just been wonderful.

Let's start with Conference. First of all, I got to watch all the sessions of Conference, and I felt so close to Elder Winters because it was during the October Conference last year that he got his Call Packet... and because we always watched Conference together before he left - so I just knew some of the things that would really touch him and some of the thoughts that he was having at the exact same time that I was having them! I hadn't felt so close to him in a long time. As a matter of fact, after my accident, I was missing him more than ever. I would've given almost anything just to get one hug from him in the days that followed the accident, but Conference WAS that hug because I felt close to him again.

During Conference weekend, I also watched The Best Two Years, The Errand of Angels, and The Other Side of Heaven. YAY! Missionary movies! Now, you have to understand: I NEVER watch movies - EVER, and I had not yet watched any of these movies since Elder Winters left. The Best Two Years was even funnier than it used to be now that I have a little more experience with missionary work. I couldn't get over the fact that Kirby Heyborne's character weighed "a buck twenty-five", liked Chess, and wore glasses. Can I just say that all of those characters fit my missionary too? I laughed so much at that part. The Errand of Angels was pretty good, but not as good as I had hoped, but I still liked the message of missionary work. Of course, my favorite was The Other Side of Heaven because Jean and "Kolipoki" get married at the end. I know we all love a story that ends that way, right? It is such a beautiful movie and based on a true story. If any of you haven't seen it, DO! It's by Disney, so the Mormon references are very discrete, but it still talks about a wonderful Elder serving the Lord, the people he reaches, and does mention the girl back home - who later becomes his wife. LOVE IT!

In addition to Conference and movies, I have just seen the Elders a lot. I have a friend who is interested in the Book of Mormon, and a friend who is currently meeting with the missionaries, so I've been able to sit in on some discussions. I've also had the chance to meet with the missionaries at church activities to help facilitate missionary work in the Branch. At our FHE this Monday, the missionaries led a discussion on the Restoration. Even members of the Church were able to learn a lot, and everyone had a chance to bear his or her testimony if he or she chose. It was really a great discussion.

Oh yeah! And one of the missionaries in our branch right now - his name is Elder Hinckley. YES, just like President Gordon B. Hinckley, who happens to be one of his distant relatives!!! Awesome, right? He gave me a blessing the other day, and I can't wait to let Elder Winters know that Elder Hinckley gave me a blessing! He'll be so happy. We both have a special place in our hearts for Gordon B. Hinckley.

Anyway, I got a letter yesterday from my boy. It was the letter where he responded to both my calling as the Relief Society President and the car accident, so it was more than the front of a small sheet of paper like I usually get . In it, he was so sweet. He told me not to get into any more accidents twice. I don't know how to describe it, but it wasn't joking... and when I read that section of the letter, I couldn't help but tear up. The accident was such a scary thing, and those few lines saying he can't even think about me not being here and not to get into any more accidents really touched a part of my soul that had been aching for comfort ever since I'd stepped from the car.

I really love that boy. He knows exactly what to say, how to say it, and when I need to hear it.

Oh yeah, and girls, THANKS for all the support on this website. You guys are awesome! We have had almost 1500 views! (69 in the past week alone). Who knew this would become so well-viewed?

Love you guys!

Stay strong!

Help those around you!

Grow in your own right!

Write your boys!

Bobbie

I must report I feel a TON better. I just watched all the videos we made together before he left, and I BAWLED my eyes out. I feel like a lot of my pent-up emotions have been let out... and I can finally go to bed in peace.

I'm in a slump again. GRR!!!

Okay, so school has been back in session for awhile now, and I only got three letters this entire summer (by letters, I mean envelopes... but his letters were all really short). I know, I'm complaining, but I might as well do it here. It's okay for us to complain sometimes, after all. I mean... we deserve a sounding board.

As I was saying, school started a few weeks ago... and I haven't sent a single letter since it did. I feel horrible! One week, I wrote but didn't mail, the next week, I didn't write... and this week I'm writing tomorrow (time already set aside). Since it's Labor Day weekend, I won't get to mail anything until Tuesday... which means that he will be going almost a month without a letter from me. This makes me feel bad...

BUT, what makes me feel even WORSE is that I've forgotten to wear the necklace he gave me three days this week. I remember him telling me the last time we saw each other not to feel bad if I didn't think about him every day (after I told him not to feel bad if he thought of me sometimes)... and while I still think about him every day... it is not nearly as much as I did a month or two ago. Despite his urging not to feel bad, I feel horrible.

I know that I'm in an awkward stage in the waiting process... not halfway there, but long enough in that he feels forever far away. I can no longer see our past clearly... but our future is distant and hazy.

I love him, I do... but this is harder than I thought it would be. I just wish I could remember more clearly. I just wish that I could have another glimpse that this is right.

Sorry this is so depressing. I really only seem to write on here when I'm down and missing him... and having doubts. I guess it's a good sign that I don't write often. I hope you ladies are doing well, and that your missionary is focused, but still finds the time to send you his love.

Bobbie

Hey ladies!

I know my last blog was a little bit depressing. I was just being honest with how I felt, and let me tell you... it felt AWESOME to share that with you ladies. I know we sometimes feel like we have to be these perfect Stepford Wife-esque missionary girlfriends - but how lame would that be right? We are still human. We are still single. We are still girls. We are still allowed to have moments when our faith wavers (is he really the one I want?) and moments when stark cold reality slaps us in the face (man, I can't believe I treated him like that!). With that said, I hope that we can stop kicking ourselves for being less-than-perfect and embrace the awkward transition phase we are in. Waiting for a missionary is kinda like your relationship going through puberty. Everything's changing so fast, and it's all kinda fuzzy. You're together, but not together. You're committed, but not married. You're stuck between single and attached. It's awful and beautiful all at the same time, ya know? (Did I really just compare waiting to puberty? This is what happens when you write a blog at 1:00 a.m.)

Anyway, my main reason for writing is that I haven't updated you in forever. It's been two weeks since I got my letters. Let me rephrase that:

I GOT LETTERS FROM MY MISSIONARY!

So, it was the day after our three-year-anniversary, which was difficult as you can imagine. I went to a missionary farewell for my friend, Brittany, and one of the Elders from my Branch played the piano, and the other told his conversion story. Missionary overload, right? Anyway, it was really pretty, and I ended up sitting in the chapel by myself singing "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again" with my whole heart - hoping he could hear me across the distance. It ended up being a very beautiful moment, and I really felt like he was there with me.

The next day was Saturday, and my mom called me while I was out to tell me that there was something for me at the house. I was in my car before I hung up - already headed home to pick up my mail. He had drawn on the envelope and written "Happy Three Year" on the back. His stamp was upside down (which according to the MG facebook group means "I love you" in stamp code. How cute is that?).

The letters were fairly short and contained mostly information that I had already received from his parents' forwarded emails, but one of them ended with just the words...

"I love you, Bobbie, and I do miss you."

I had been praying for comfort and to know that he loved and missed me - so to see those words, so clearly answering my prayers, was a great comfort. I love Elder Winters so much!

I've gotta tell you, girls, this waiting thing is hard... but it is so worth it to have those moments when you learn what his upside down stamp meant or when you wake up from a dream where he was singing to you on the phone. Waiting is difficult. It is tiring. It is, at times, grueling... but no amount of sadness, loneliness, or despair can overcome the hope of endless tomorrows with the man you love by your side.

*sigh*

Mine would be Elder Winters, of course.

Happy waiting, ladies! Take care, and make sure your boys are feeling inspired. They get down sometimes, so try to be as optimistic as possible. Write your letters with the help of the Holy Ghost, and cut them some slack if they don't write as often as you would like. They are so incredibly busy!

Talk to you guys later!

(probably after I go awhile longer without a letter);),

Bobbie

Well ladies, I guess it's time for me to be candid. The past few weeks have been a little bit disheartening. I have not received any communication from my boy (aside from the letters his mother is nice enough to forward) since the beginning of May. In other words, it's been almost two months since I've had an "I love you." or even just the assurance that he is thinking of me - no matter how occasionally. This dry spell has had a couple of side effects - some of them quite unexpected.

1) I wish I could have been better. I don't know how many of you have gone through this, but lately - I don't know if it's because I haven't heard from him or just because it's been awhile since I've seen him - I have been thinking about all the times that I got frustrated about silly little things, or didn't hug him enough, or wasted time dreading him leaving. I've been wishing that I hadn't been so easily upset and that I had focused more on his needs than I did. I wish that I had been more attentive, communicated more effectively, and never EVER given him the silent treatment.... which leads to...

2) I have resolved to be better. There isn't a whole lot that I can do right now to improve the way that I treat him (and I wasn't a BAD girlfriend before - just not the BEST), but I have made a resolution to be better when he comes home - not to take for granted the feel of his hand in mine, the sound of his heartbeat beneath my ear, the sight of his eyes smiling back at me.

3) I have wondered if he was the one. This is one that I considered not putting in this blog. After all, how do I know his mother isn't reading this? Still, it's important because you shouldn't feel crazy if this happens to you. It's hard to be surrounded by eligible bachelors - especially when they make you laugh like your missionary, or they are smart like your missionary, or they love the gospel like your missionary. It's hard when you are surrounded by people who have traits that mirror the man you love, and there are times when even the letters have become distant memories that  you doubt. I have doubted these past two months. I have seriously evaluated my missionary's every flaw - every tiny thing that ever bugged me about him, every weakness of our relationship. I have seriously considered the strengths of other guys. I have realized that I could be happy with someone else (nobody in particular, but generally speaking).

4) But I have decided that I WANT him. I don't believe that love is a matter of destiny, but rather a matter of choice. And I have decided. Unless he comes home and doesn't want me - or he comes home and we can't find one another again - he is the one that I want beside me forever. He is indecisive. He is often late for church. He has a hard time opening up - even occasionally to me... but he is also the kindest, gentlest, most spiritual guy I have ever been with. He is funny and sweet - caring and intelligent - grounded and dedicated. He is everything I could ever want in a man. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. And the best thing about him is that he accepts MY imperfections - as huge and numerous as they are.

5) I have lost track of time. I just realized that it had been almost two months since I had received a letter. I couldn't believe it! Life has been busy, and truth be told, I've been having a blast.

6) But I have felt every moment. Still, even with time moving quickly, I have felt every moment without him. There honestly is a void in my life right now - where he should be.

It's been difficult going so long without a letter... and I have no idea how much longer it will be. The hard part isn't not knowing what he's doing or how he is. The hard part is not knowing if he ever thinks of me or still loves me. In my last letter, I asked him to just send me a tiny note that says, "I love you." If I can have just that, I know that I can make it through. I just need the reassurance that everything really will work out.

Happy waiting, ladies!

When letters seem scarce, have faith that love isn't.

Love,

Bobbie

It was worth it... going so long without a letter makes me appreciate his words even more. The good news is that I really had nothing to worry about. Pinto just has a funny way of writing letters. He writes weekly and mails anywhere from biweekly to monthly. That's okay though, because he really is adorable. I loved hearing from him (which I actually did a couple weeks ago, it was just the end of the semester and life was crazy). He had some trouble with housing, and so he moved twice over the period of time that the letters he sent covered.

One of the funniest things about his letters was that the first two stopped in the middle - one of them in the middle of a sentence... in the middle of a WORD! I love that he is following the rules so closely that when time is up, he stops. I am grateful for his dedication and his perseverence in serving. He really is a wonderful guy, and I know that he is a great missionary.

I love him so much, and I never would have imagined how much I could possibly miss him - how weird it feels that life goes on. It seems so bizarre that the semester is over, and I am sitting at home, smelling summer without him. I walked out to my car last night to get something, and when I opened the door, I was hit with the smell of summer and the sounds of the evening. Standing there, on my front porch, headed for my car... was so similar to (almost) every evening last summer when I would leave home to spend time with him. I stopped in my tracks, unable to move forward. For a moment, I was frozen by the memories. I guess it really is the little things that are the hardest.

The good news is that he has been gone for over four months - which means that he will be home in less than 20! (That's one-sixth over if you aren't so great at math!) I am so excited about him coming home... even though it is still so far away. Time has actually gone by pretty quickly, and I know that I am blessed to have the support of a wonderful family, great friends, and a loving Heavenly Father.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I won't be talking to him like a lot of girls do. I guess rules vary mission to mission, or maybe Pinto and I are just a little stricter in our relationship than others. Anyway, even though I won't be talking to him, I can't seem to stop thinking of his phone call home. I know that I won't hear him, but even to know that I can talk to his parents after they have heard his voice brings me so much joy. How weird is that?

Every day without him is one day closer to seeing him again.

Love,

Bobbie

     I haven't written much lately because the truth is... there hasn't been much to write. I'm trying not to be discouraged, but the last time that I received a letter was 34 days ago! Every time that I check my mailbox, the people in the mailroom (here on campus) look at me sadly - clearly pitying me for not having a letter... again. I know that I should have faith and not fear, but it's tough when I go so long without hearing from him.

     At least I know he isn't dwelling on me or losing focus, right? That should make me feel better, and I guess it does a little bit, but you'd think that he could've written at some point these past weeks. I hope everything is alright. I hope I really have nothing to worry about. Eventually, I will receive a letter. Until then, I will have faith that all is well, and that regardless of what happens - it will all be okay - better than okay even.

     Hopefully I'll have a happy, "I just got a letter" post soon, and when I write it, I'll have to mention how frustrating this time without a letter was. I'm certain I will say something along the lines of going a long time without hearing from him made it even better to hear what he's been up to and to read the words, "I love you." The truth is - I'll be right. No matter how hard it is right now, the frustration and doubt will disappear the moment I see a handdrawn heart or the word "love" scrawled in his imperfect cursive.

That's all for now,

Bobbie

Two days ago, I met up with my Dad for lunch and shopping, and we had a really nice time. We chatted for quite awhile about pretty much everything. I'll be honest, he isn't a big fan of Pinto serving a mission. The main reason he doesn't like it is because it means that Pinto will be "behind" in his schooling - over three years behind. This bothers my dad because he worries about my financial future since my parents struggled so much financially through most of their marriage - and still are struggling in many ways. My dad doesn't want me to have to go through that at the beginning of my life - and since he knows that I would love to marry my missionary someday (if that is Heavenly Father's will), he worries that I would be helping him through school and that we would be poor.

With that said, we talked quite a bit about Pinto's mission, and I really think that my dad is coming along. He seemed to be more understanding and even asked some questions about Pinto's day-to-day life... which made me happy since it showed that he was interested. While we were talking, I mentioned that I have realized that I could live without Pinto in my life... something that I had never really realized until he left. I was so afraid that I was going to be the same girl that I used to be - the girl who had her first boyfriend before she was thirteen and has never gone more than a few months without one ever since. I was afraid that I would find myself to be dependent on Pinto for my happiness like I once was with all the other guys I have ever been with. My dad has been telling me for years that I am too dependent on guys, and I think he has been just as surprised as I have by my ability to live life without Pinto.

It was really weird because as I was talking to my dad, I realized - I CAN live without Pinto. I would never choose to... but I CAN.

Sometimes my Daddy is wrong; I would rather be with Pinto and struggle financially my whole life than be rich with someone who is constantly at work and/or I don't enjoy spending time with.

But sometimes, my Daddy is right. I used to be entirely wrapped up in whoever I was dating, and even I worried that it was the same thing with Pinto. Luckily, I have realized - that is not the case. I don't NEED him; I just WANT him.

Okay, so I was being all sad and mopey last time that I wrote you... especially about not having gotten any letters recently. Well, guess what?

When I got back to school, I had a DOUBLE letter waiting for me (two in one envelope) AND on that Friday, I got another DOUBLE letter. So in one week, I got four letters. He hadn't been inconsistent in his writing - just inconsistent in his mailing. It was really wonderful to hear from him so much, and it was the first time that I could hear him through his letters. In all of the other letters, it just sounded a little forced, but these had his personality. I was so excited, and I felt so close to him as I read them.

Well, of course all good things come to an end, right? I was on a happiness high last week from all the letters (I'll be honest, they went to my head ;)) and then I started having nightmares this week. Like my mother, I have really vivid nightmares sometimes - multiple nights in a row. It's been pretty bad this week, and since I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm a little crabbier than normal. Well, yesterday, I was feeling REALLY crabby AND it was raining - which meant that my socks, shoes, and pants (since I'm super-short) were wet ALL DAY! It was so frustrating because I hate that feeling; it always makes me feel icky. Well, while I was on my way to Institute thinking woe-is-me thoughts, I saw sunlight through the rain and thought, "rainbow?"

Sure enough, I looked to my left and had to pull off of the road. I could see a complete END TO END DOUBLE RAINBOW! It was gorgeous. As I looked at those rays of beautifully arced color, I couldn't help but think that Heavenly Father painted them in that sky just for me. It was really awesome... and of course I wish that I could have called my missionary to tell him about it, but I wrote it in a letter for him and took pictures with my camera phone.

To be honest, the image of that rainbow has been with me all day today - following me around and reminding me that my Heavenly Father loves me and is watching over me. It has given me strength and helped me to get back into my usual happy swing. That image has been a great blessing to me.

Still, I miss my boy immensely tonight. Sometimes it feels like he's just beyond my reach... like he's right in front of me when I close my eyes... but when I open them, he disappears. I think what's happening is that inside, I am so happy - I actually feel like I am bubbling over with joy... but I miss Pinto more than I have in a long time... because I want so much to share this joy with him.

I'm beginning to realize that waiting is easy when life is mediocre; it's life's highest highs and lowest lows that make waiting difficult. Those are the moments I most wish to share.

Okay, so here's the deal. I have learned this week that I am going to have days when missing Pinto will make it difficult to do anything else. I have allowed myself to dwell on him and to think about him ALL THE TIME because it's been Spring Break. I didn't have any homework, and I didn't have a job... so I got to mope.

Tomorrow, school starts again, and I can't mope any longer. I will have to buckle down and get to work. Honestly, I'm looking forward to the distraction of schoolwork. I need something to keep my mind occupied on anything but my missionary.

I've been trying to use this blog as a way of showing all of the girls out there that waiting isn't that difficult - basically to tell you that YOU CAN DO IT! I remember when I was trying to decide whether or not to wait for Pinto (WAY before he actually left) I stumbled onto a website that gave me great hope and insights into the life of a missionary girlfriend, and I have been trying to pass that hope onto you.

BUT, the truth is - this is really hard sometimes. I miss him a lot, and there really are days (mostly recently) when he consumes more than his fair share of my thoughts. There are times when I want to talk to him about issues in my life, and there are times when I really wish he could just hold me while I cry, but he isn't here... I am having to learn to rely on Heavenly Father and myself for my comfort, and that isn't necessarily an easy lesson to learn.

If your boyfriend hasn't left yet, I am not trying to tell you that you shouldn't wait for him, but I AM trying to let you know - it will be a trial for you at times. It will be difficult, and some days will drag by. Two years may be but the blink of an eye in the eternal scheme of things, but sometimes two hours feels like an eternity.

I love Pinto with my whole heart, and I am not even close to giving up. I know that like all things, this too will pass... and once again, I will be my happy, optimistic self. Until then, I will let myself finish my last mopey day before school starts.

Have faith girls. Even on the hard days, the Lord is with you.

<3,

Bobbie